boyz lykechandLer.

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yesterday i realized that i’ve lost so many of my memories. i think i’ve been so concerned with making the ones i have ahead of me count, that by the time they’ve passed, i’ve already lost them.

i woke up uncomfortably this afternoon. i couldn’t find anything that made me want to move from my bed. i tried getting up, going downstairs, engaging in conversation… anything that would make me feel more awake. i found myself back in my bed a little over an hour later, my stomach still hurting from when i woke up… and when i went back to sleep, all those lost memories began to flood my mind.

i was in several different settings throughout the duration of the dream. the first person who came to me was andrea. i can only remember the both of us lying on the floor, laughing. we looked happy the way we did when we were in middle school. andrea and i are no longer friends. time tore us apart, she grew up and still couldn’t define herself without someone else helping her so i let her go her own way… but the fact that i was able to see her again, for just that moment, the way i love and miss her most was perfect.

the second place i found myself was in the dark, somewhere in the streets of downtown… nothing familiar. brandon came to me. he was walking away from someone, telling them he missed them when i grabbed his arm and told him i missed him too. he looked back at me and said “you let me go, you couldve kept in touch. i’ve missed you this whole time” it broke my heart to hear those words. several times now i’ve attempted contact with him. i cant even remember the last time we saw each other. i followed him down whatever street it was he was already headed, insisting that i had tried to contact him, but he kept walking away from me like he was upset that i hadnt. like he didnt believe me anymore. it was heart breaking, and rather humiliating to see him like that. and even after i woke, and called him in between the stream of tears coming from my eyes, all he did was hang up on me.

the third setting was outside. i began by seeing several people i normally don’t, but they were familiar faces. we were at some kind of a bbq. morgan was there along with my mom, hers, and family friends of all of ours. someone was discussing genres of music, classifying artists to their appropriate genre, and several of us began to jump in the conversation. my mom looked at me “what genre is ladele?” i questioned myself for a minute, not really sure what the fuck adele’s appropriate genre was… and the moment i turned my head i was fixed on damian’s bright blue eyes. like we were one in the same we both said “soul” and he smiled. im not sure what the significance of the word was, but he sure looked beautiful saying it. that was the first dream of mine he’s manifested himself in since his death, but he was the exact damian i love and remember. not some weird dream-like version. as soon as i came out of the dream, i reached for the phone, like i could call him the same way i planned to call brandon… i instantly started crying, as real and there as we were together in the dream, he wasnt in the world i woke up in. he was still gone. it was all too bittersweet.

i know i saw many other people, like i was walking through a literal memory lane in my mind, but those 3 showed me exactly what ive been needing. i miss you all.

my dearest channy, thank you for being such an amazing friend to me. cant believe weve known each other for so long and were just now best friends. im so thankful for all the support youve given me in the past month. youre such a beautiful person in and out. the way you think and the love you give people is beyond great, im so glad were on the same wavelength! i will always be here for you and you will always have a shoulder to lean on. dont ever forget that i love you with all my heart and bootz!!!!!